Smoking?

Hey Gusby,

Throughout my teenage years, I kept hearing things about smoking. It causes cancer, emphysema, lung damage. It causes you to experience decreases in your senses of smell and taste. It blackens your teeth, and makes you smell bad. I also kept hearing about how hard it was to quit.

As a result of what I had been taught, I was "one of those", who looked down on smokers as weak-willed individuals who didn't have the forethought or strength of personality to avoid it, or quit. I was preachy and annoying, often spouting off about how, "if I wanted to fill my lungs with smoke, I'd stick my head in a bonfire."

Shortly before my 19th birthday, I decided that it was patently unfair of me to judge people who were in a situation in which I had absolutely no firsthand experience. It was egotistical, and just plain rude. (Sort of how heterosexual bible-thumpers claim that homosexuality is a choice, a wrong choice, and something that can be "fixed.")

In order to ease my guilt over judging others, and also to put myself into a situation where I could offer firsthand, beneficial advice to people either trying to avoid smoking, or to quit, I decided to become a smoker. I'd like to point out that I now realize just how silly this decision was. Instead of ruining my own body, I could have just kept my mouth shut. Alas, hindsight.

I came up with a plan. I would begin smoking socially, only going out when other smokers were with me. That quickly turned into going outside to smoke whenever I felt like it. Which ended up burning about a pack a day. I was taking frequent, short breaks from work. Smoking in the car on the way home from work, because traffic was annoying. In short, I became a full-time smoker.

After only three months of this, I realized that I was well and truly addicted. If I didn't have my morning cigarette, I got crabby. If a meeting I was participating in lasted for longer than an hour and a half, I got cranky. If I was stuck in a car with a non-smoker for longer than 30 minutes, I was annoyed.

Another three months went by of me fulfilling my addiction to cigarettes, and I decided that I had been a smoker long enough. The cravings had plateaued, and I didn't feel as if I could get any more addicted. So I quit.

I just stopped buying cigarettes. I still lived with a smoker, and still went out for frequent breaks, but I didn't actually smoke. Cold turkey. I was successful in dropping the habit for almost two months. I didn't feel the cravings anymore, and I knew that I could continue along this line of non-smoking indefinitely.

After almost two months, I went out for a night on the town, and I ended up smoking a single cigarette. I thought to myself, "I just quit cold turkey for this long, surely one won't send me flying right back into being a smoker."

Yeah, I was wrong. That one cigarette lead to being a pack-a-day smoker for the next nearly 10 years. Since then, I've tried (unsuccessfully) to quit a few times. A couple times of cold turkey, once with the patch and an anti-depressant, twice with Chantix.

Somewhere along the line, I convinced myself that I wasn't strong enough to quit. I don't know where it happened, or when, or why, but I pigeon-holed myself into the role of the smoker.

The problem isn't actually quitting. I can finish a pack, and just not buy more. In fact, I did it just yesterday and except for sleeping like crap as a result of nicotine withdrawal, I actually feel pretty good.

For me, the problem is staying quit. You see, Gusby, I like smoking. Beyond the physical changes that manifest as a result, the stimulation of pleasure-centers in the brain, etc, it gives me a reason to be outside. It provides an excuse for getting out into the sun, and taking deep breaths of fresh summer air. Those 5 minutes away from life and stress have become more important than nicotine.

So you respond with, "Well go outside anyway!" and I do. I take the dogs, and I sit on the deck and I relax... but it's just not the same. It's not as satisfying. I come back into the house and don't feel as if it helped. Which leads me to believe that the addiction is far more physical than I thought it was.

The fact of the matter is, I know I should quit. I know I have to quit before mid-to-late November. I know if I quit now, the arrival of my daughter will be significantly more enjoyable for me. I know that I can quit now, but I don't want to quit now.

Maybe the knowing I can quit is just pure ego on my part, and I'm deluding myself. Or maybe I really can. But until I want to quit, there's just no way to answer that question.

And that, Gusby, is where I need your help. I need your help in wanting to quit smoking. I know all of the arguments, the health benefits, etc, and that's not enough. I need... something more... to help me want to quit.