Oh @#$%, I didn't see you there...

This is Part Two of an ongoing How-To series that started with apologizing successfully.

Today's topic: How To Merge Into Traffic.

We all know someone, or have seen someone, who completely and utterly fails at merging into highway traffic. Whether it's as simple as not looking to see who might be in the target lane, or entering the highway at a mere 20 mph, millions of people fail on a daily basis. Sometimes the cost of this failure is getting honked at or flipped off. Sometimes, it is much, much higher.

Let's start with some common mis-perceptions:

1. They'll see me coming and get out of the way.
2. My phone call is too important to pay attention to anything else.
3. I'll save gas by accelerating very slowly.

I am going to go out on a limb and say that a good majority of the people on the highway will see you failing at merging. They know you're coming down the ramp, and chances are, they will get out of your way. Very few people honestly believe that they are the most important thing in the universe and so they freely give up their personal space to anyone who acts like they just might be more important. The problem with relying on this approach is that, eventually, you'll meet someone who is more important than you, who will be counting on the fact that YOU will see THEM coming, and will make way appropriately. When the two of you interact on the highway, only bad things can happen.

Now for Mr.-(Or Mrs.-)Very-Important-Phone-Meeting. Your call may very well be important to you. It could be the meeting that reveals a legal detail that allows you to put the law-breaker in jail for half a century, stopping the serial killings that have been plaguing the country for months... Or, more likely, it's you just asking your significant other if they want you to stop at Wendy's or Taco Bell for dinner tonight. I have a surprise for you... Your call is less important than your life, and the lives of everyone that you're going to blithely plow into on the highway. Hang up the phone and focus on not killing yourself and everyone around you. At the very least, get a hands-free set and pay attention to the road.

Ah, the environmentalist in the hybrid. You know, you're doing your part for the planet, and that's awesome. Good for you. But you're dead wrong. Accelerating slowly on the highway actually burns quite a bit of extra gas/diesel/biofuel. I'll show you how: Everyone on the highway is going 60 mph. If you accelerate enough to be going 40 mph when you enter the highway, you'll save (yay for made up numbers) 0.05 gallons of extra fuel. When you calculate that you enter highways about 40 times per week, that adds up to a pretty significant amount of saved fuel. Unfortunately, you failed to take into account the gas mileage of every single person who you just forced to slam on their brakes. See, you forced 5 (yay for more fake numbers) people to decelerate to 40 mph to avoid hitting you and each other. Now you have a total of 6 cars who need to accelerate from 40 to 60 mph. If they were all hybrids like yours, that's a total of 0.30 gallons of fuel that didn't need to be wasted. But let's be honest... they're not all hybrids. They're SUVs, Hummers, luxury vehicles. Which means that in the process of adding 120 mph worth of acceleration into those 6 vehicles combined, you actually just wasted nearly 4 gallons of fuel. Mr. Environmentalist... you, by yourself, just killed three acres of rain forest. Bet you feel like a chump now, eh?

But I digress, this is a How To, rather than a How Not To, so I'll get to it.

1. Begin accelerating from the top of the ramp. Quickly. You need to hit at least 55 mph by the end of the ramp; faster if traffic is speeding.
2. When you're halfway down the ramp, check the lane that you will be merging into. See the spacing of the vehicles and their relative speeds. Pick a spot. Continue accelerating.
3. At the bottom of the ramp, you should be in line with the spot that you picked for your merge. You should also being going EXACTLY as fast as the cars in front of and behind your chosen spot. Your goal is to slide seamlessly into traffic, without causing any brake lights to light up.
4. Congratulations, you're on the highway and everyone is still alive and happy.

Destiny, Fate, Determinism... I'm not buying it.

Gusby, as you're aware, there are two schools of thought on the focus of this blog: Destiny, Fate and Determinism.

The first school is that these things exist in a daily capacity in our lives. That everyone we meet, we were destined to meet them... fated to be friends or lovers or whatever, it was determined for us by previous events on this planet that we should interact in some meaningful way, or not. That everything that happens to us, happens because it was determined that it should.

The flip side is that things do not exist. There is no reason for anything that happens; the world is just a giant Random Number Generator.

I don't buy into either one of those mindsets. In fact, I think I fall squarely into the middle of the road on this one.

Perhaps it was Destiny, Fate or Determinism that led me to send the chat message that started the longest, most meaningful relationship of my life. It's entirely possible that it was... But it was by my choice that I have continued to work so hard to maintain that relationship.

Perhaps karma has a say what external influences are placed upon us. Karma throws us into situations that we need to learn to handle with grace, love and forgiveness. We both know that I've certainly been thrown into a situation.

For the last six or seven years, I've been railing against Destiny, Fate, Determinism. It wasn't until this morning that I realized that not only have I believed in free will and the power of human choice (and have been spouting off about it to those inclined to listen)... but I can apply this simple fact of existence to any situation that I find myself in.

I can choose to do nothing, and whine... or I can choose to do something, and succeed.

So, I am choosing to set aside the "woe is me" mentality that I've felt stuck in. I am choosing to give up the whole, "I just need someone to throw me a bone." excuse that I've been hiding behind. It's especially flimsy when I honestly admit to myself that people HAVE thrown me bones (even people whom I hardly know), and I've ignored or dodged them.

I am choosing to give up fear.

And like everything else in my life, it's my choice... and nothing can make it for, or take it from, me.

I'm sorry, but...

Hey Gusby,

I'd like to ask for your help in sharing a message of communication. Can you get this out to the people who need it the most, and the people who don't really need it but that it can help anyway?

Apologies: They're not easy. It's difficult to admit that you've done wrong.

First, let's see how NOT to apologize.

"I'm sorry, but you..." Sure, at first glance this may seem like a perfectly acceptable apology. It is erroneous, however, in that rather than truly being repentant of your actions or the consequences, you're seeking to place the blame squarely upon the person you wronged in the first place. You may feel it is entirely their fault, but the word "but" doesn't belong in an apology.

"I'm sorry, but I..." Again, this looks perfectly acceptable. While you're not pinning the blame on anyone else, you're trying to provide rationalization for your behavior. Rationalization is good, and can be helpful in trying to explain to someone why you acted the way you did. It can help speed up understanding and even possibly help avoid the same issue in the future. It, however, has no place in the apology itself; it is more suited to the discussion following the apology.

Now, let's see a couple appropriate apologies.

"I'm sorry." Hey, look at that. A simple statement of fact, with no rationalization or blame. This short phrase (as any husband knows) can be quite powerful and effective at ending hostilities and setting the stage for a more communicative and beneficial discourse.

"I'm sorry. I feel bad for what I did and I'd like the chance to explain why I acted in that fashion." This, Gusby, is still a perfectly acceptable apology. The powerfully short statement of fact, an admission of wrong-doing, and a request for a more communicative and beneficial discourse, all rolled into one sweet phrase.

It is a definitive fact of life that communications get out of control, and sometimes hurtful things are said. No single person communicates perfectly with any other person. Even the most harmoniously married couples still have misunderstandings and occasions to clarify and, yes, apologize.

When you take responsibility for your actions ("I'm sorry that *I* lost my temper, that *I* yelled at you, and that *I* called you an asshole.") you're not giving up your side of the argument. You can still be pissed off that the person you yelled at called you a liar. You're not admitting that you were wrong in all ways, just that you were wrong in how you handled your side of it.

If we could all learn to accept that sometimes it is our *behavior* that is wrong, not necessarily our view of the situation, then perhaps we could all learn to calm down and discuss issues as adults.

And if you, Gusby, would pass this message along to anyone who would benefit from it, I'd greatly appreciate it.

Thanks!

-A

Epiphanies...

Epiphanies are like walking into the open door of a stacked washer/dryer unit.

In the daylight, you're a little shocked, a little stunned, and a little embarrassed that you didn't see it before it happened.

At 4:47am, you're left sitting on your ass on the cold linoleum flooring, wondering how that baseball-bat-wielding-Commuter-train made it's way onto just your face.

And then, bam, you do it again. 5:14am: epiphany number two leaves it's indelible mark upon your psyche in the form of a meteor shower... except your psyche is actually the outer atmosphere of our little planet, frying at temperatures reaching 3,000 degrees Fahrenheit and moving at speeds in the range of tens of thousands of miles per hour.

Ugh, two epiphanies... both screaming from the inside of your skull like some methed-out lunatic that you, for some strange reason, decided to lock in your house after telling him that the air inside is actually a gaseous form of arsenic... and the air outside is pure, unadulterated freedom from addiction. Of course, you've plexi-glas'd the windows beforehand, leaving him with no escape... and the chair started laughing at his plight.

You lie there, wondering if the wonders of sleep will ever return before you rise to pen your tale... and then it's 5:35am, and your world implodes.

The sun is about to go super-nova, and the vacuum of the collapsing star is sucking your entire planet into the multi-million degree center, where you'll be atomized faster than the speed of thought (which is argued to be faster than the speed of light), and spread across this little galaxy in an ever-expanding sphere of hydrogen molecules. Of course, you'll remember all of this, because somewhere along the way, someone decided that you, of all the six billion conscious souls on the planet, should be the one to tell the next conscious planet of your third epiphany. They didn't fail to mention that your particles would be scattered billions of light years away from each other when you're supposed to do this, and the only hope they gave you to actually achieve your goal was just as frustrating this time as it was when you first heard it all of those long years ago, "If you'd just apply yourself, you have such great potential."

Now that I'm wide awake again, and my thoughts have slowed to a somewhat more manageable pace, here they are in no particular order.

Epiphany #1: Let what has been, have been. Let what is, be. Let what will be, bring joy.

There is no simpler truth for enjoying this little ride we call life.

The past happened... no amount of hoping, wishing, or moping will change it. Accept it.

The present, simply, is. Let it be. It is the accumulation of every action you've taken in your life.

The future... always have hope that the future will be better than the past, better than the present. Even if your past was lovely, and your present is wonderful, the future will be a brighter place. Even if your past was horrible, and your present is the worst time you've faced, the future will be a brighter place.

Epiphany #2: The sharing of Karma.

It has long been said that beyond the mere physical act of sex, those who engage in the spiritual communion of the bodies each take upon themselves the karma of their partner. It is for this reason that monogamy has been the predominant sexual union of the masses of this planet. For the masses, who deal with real shit daily, understand things that Kings, Czars, Sultans, Priests, etc, do not. It is hard enough to deal with your own karma without adding someone else's troubles to your plate.

Every person that you've ever been intimate with, in your entire life, has left their mark upon your soul. You are now responsible for helping to deal with their karma so that they may ascend to a higher plane upon release from this mortal coil. They are now also responsible for doing the same in return.

In many cases, this is an extremely beneficial partnering. When two intelligent, caring individuals make the commitment to being there for the other, great lives happen. The sum is greater than the parts.

Unfortunately, our society places a burden upon it's single members. Your main goal is to sleep with as many and as varied people as you can. We have an entire generation growing up in clubs, right now, whose idea of the perfect weekend is to have two or three different partners that they'll never see again. You sleep with one person, you have two people's karma between you. If you sleep with another person, you share your karma and your first partner's karma with them. You add a third to your own, and give two to them. It's not like a piece of paper, where you can only split it so many ways...

The unimaginable weight of that many people's karma is bearing down on our culture with all the force of the previously mentioned super-nova. Eventually... there will be such a large pocket of shared karma, between millions of people, that no one will be able to deal with it. Unfortunately, when karma becomes unmanageable in this lifetime, the universe decides to start over and try another lifetime. A second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seven-hundredth chance.

Yes. Karma will wipe out millions of people at once. Starting with the most sexually promiscuous and uninformed. Two people, soully dedicated and true in their intention of willingness to help their partner... they can work out the karma.

Epiphany #3: Fear of success. (The Conscious, Sub-Conscious, Higher Self, and Lower Self)

My consciousness has finally figured out the lack of socially-accepted measures of success in my life. The sub-conscious has seen too many people, heard too many stories, who have socially-accepted measures of success. High paying jobs, big houses, fancy cars... and a complete and utter lack of respect for fellow humans. The Almighty Dollar, combined with over-population, has given people a goal... and the anonymity to pursue that goal at any cost to others.

As a moral, ethical and caring human being, I refuse to subscribe to this self-serving ruthlessness that has shaped our "great" country into what it is today. I strive to live above it... and until now, the only way to live by the rules of the Higher Self has been to completely ignore all societal rules that have been imposed. Education through institution, and a having "real" job being highest on the list.

My Lower Self has spent the last 15 years telling me things that I've come to believe in as strongly as I believe in the importance of being a good person. That I will amount to nothing. That I am a failure. That I am a disappointment. That you would be better off without me.

While these two beliefs seem to cancel each other... it's not that cut and dry. You see, the best thing I could do for you would be to leave you alone... and that sacrifice would make me a good person. The Lower Self... is insidious. It's already inside you... It already knows your deepest, darkest fears... your most self-loathing secrets... your goals, dreams and desires... It knows how to twist it all together in one great panoply of a lie to suck the light from your life.

As I've almost fallen into becoming completely victimized by myself, something keeps telling me... "Stop."

Not, "Stop being stupid."

Not, "You're acting like an idiot."

Just... "Stop."

For a decade and a half, I've asked myself, "Stop what?" and the answer I heard at 5:35am was, "Stop trying so hard."

So here I am, nothing more than a single atom of hydrogen, nothing less than the overseer of the cosmic entirety, not trying so hard.

Let what has been, have been. Let what is, be. Let what will be, bring joy.

Chick Flicks

Hey G/U/SB/Y,

I haven't forgotten about you; on the contrary, I think about you quite a bit... but that's the subject of another blog.

Today, I'd like to speak with you about Chick Flicks: I've figured out why guys pretend not to like them. Yes, pretend. Really, we enjoy the story, the cute girl(s), and the way everything works out in the end.

Why do we pretend not to like them? Well, it's simple really. Every single movie written for women is starring us. Maybe it's only parts of us, or an exaggerated version of us, but we are still the main storyline. And as members of the male species (I won't go so far as to say men, because there are many adult male children), we strongly dislike the comparisons we see between us and the leading male role.

If we were watching these rom-coms alone, we wouldn't care. We could just enjoy the movie. But when the collective we watches them with the collective you, we can glance over to the other side of the couch and see the wheels turning in your head. We know you're sitting there, nodding to yourself, saying, "My man can be just like that sometimes."

On the flip side, some of the characters are written to such impossibly romantic heights that there's absolutely no way that we can compare... but we still see you thinking, "I wish he could that for me some time..."

And while we know we're not perfect, Chick Flicks point it out. Well, they more than point it out. They paste it on the Silver Screen for the entire world to see, judge and laugh at. At least when we're alone, we can pretend it's some other type of guy it's talking about... but we can't ignore it when we're with you.

So when you want to watch "He's just not that into you..." or "The Notebook", and we squirm around it... We're just not in the mood to be judged.

Please edit...

Gusby,

Man, what the hell? Seriously? Most people are completely stupid. Utterly lacking in both intelligence and education.

While this has been a long-running gripe of mine, there is one specific example that I wish to highlight today.

Online Interviews, Self-Guided:

If you are a member of the media, responsible for sending information to a market, you want to wrap that information in an appearance that your market will respond to. In this case, 93X's Hot Chick of the Day. You want me to listen to your radio station, so that I will hear your advertisements, and buy the products that have paid you for more revenue. One of your marketing techniques to get me to listen to your station is the Hot Chick of the Day. Every morning at 9:00am, you send me an email that has a single picture of what you consider to be a Hot Chick. Whether or not this is an accurate title for the lady depicted is a topic for another blog.

As part of this gimmick, you include the models interview answers, perhaps to blow smoke up feminist asses that say, "This is objectifying to women." While I don't have an opinion one way or the other when it comes to this particular objectification of women, I do actually read the interview. Here is a sample:

How about ambitions? What are your goals? Gosh so many goals! I guess on that im currently working on is getting hired on to the fire department. I just finished my EMT Basic now working on my Internediate. Thats were you get to stick people with needles! Ha ha, scary thought huh. After I finish my "I" then it begins the hunt to test for fire. 

I have a problem with this. "I guess on that im currently..." Did you mean, "I guess one that I'm currently..."? How about "Internediate"? "That's where"? "Scary thought, huh?"?

And that's just ONE answer, out of maybe thirty questions.

Some will likely raise the argument that, "When you're that pretty, you don't need to be smart to make money." And they could very well be right. She probably makes very good money. However, beauty is only skin deep. What happens when she's in a car accident that leaves a scar across her cheek, or when she ages a bit and things start sagging? All of a sudden, your primary money-making option has left, leaving you without income or intelligence. You are now unable to earn a living, because you wasted the opportunity to learn something like how to communicate with anyone in a professional manner.

Now, as upsetting as it is that people can be this stupid and get away with it is one thing. The truly reprehensible thing here is the marketing managers at 93X. You fail. Hard.

You piss off the intelligent of us who not only want to see skimpily clad women on a daily basis, but who want to pretend that there might be some brains behind the sultry eyes. It is not hard for anyone with very little education to go into those interview answers, and rewrite them to be accurate, intelligible responses.

By posting this garbage, you're not only propagating the stereotype of "stupid model", but you're sending the message to everyone (models, viewers, listeners) that being stupid and lazy is okay.

It has never been okay. It is not okay. It will never be okay.

While not everyone was given the same processing power, everyone is capable of learning and applying... But they're too damn lazy to do it.

Some help?

Hey friends, this post isn't funny, or witty, or politcally relevant. It's... just a letter to Gusby.

***

Hey Gusby,

I'm pretty sure, without clicking the back button, that this is the longest I've gone without talking to you since I started to type it all out. We both know what I've been doing in the meantime, and it's time for a change.

My back hurts. It has hurt since I was 16 years old. It's gotten worse over the last year or so. I'm tired of it.

So tired of it, in fact, that I asked my friend, Cheryl, to embark on a spiritual journey to help me find the root cause of the issue. I've tried maybe a dozen times over the years to do it myself, but the answer always eluded me. Too emotionally tied to the symptom to focus on the source, or some such.

What she saw was at first confusing. Me, standing in a thick bank of fog... so thick that there was literally no landscape or sky. My feet, planted in one spot. The rest of my body was being pulled... yanked to the side, dragging all of my chakras out of alignment. My head, or crown chakra, was apparently struggling to realign me, but failing.

Excellent news... at least now we know that there's a spiritual root to the physical symptom of my chronic back pain. My soul needs a chiropractor as bad as my body does.

Now, on to the explanation of said vision... I am traveling a path, the path of life. My feet are my primary mode of transportation. My head, or logical faculties, tell my feet where I think I should walk. My heart, my emotions, tell me... what? Where I really should be walking? Where I really want to walk, regardless of the "shoulds"?

This vision is two-fold... it was a visual representation of the two major issues underlying my physical pain. I was told that in both of my lives, physical and esoteric/spiritual, I have a path that I'm on, and a path that I'm being pulled towards. 

The path of my physical life, I understand how to correct the imbalance. Not only do I know how to correct it, but am eager to do so, for while my head and my feet are stuck upon the path I chose when I was but a boy, my heart has lead me towards the road I truly feel is the correct one. Problem solved, or close enough to solved that I'm not losing sleep over it.

The path of my spiritual life, I only understand that there is an imbalance. I understand how I've been traveling that path, and how I'm being pulled in another direction. I fully comprehend that in order to be truly content with my path, I need to walk in this other direction. I also understand that while this path isn't the easiest, it is the proper course, and I am ready for the challenges and obstacles in my way. Towards that end, I have two requests:

1) Please allow me to quiet my intellect long enough to hear, or feel, or see what my first step upon this proper path will be.

2) I know that it is entirely selfish of me to request that a specific thing NOT be a challenge set before me, but I need to ask regardless. Please, help me out on this one. (Dear readers, yes it was on purpose that I didn't write the request for you to read.)

Gusby, I think it's plainly obvious that I have strayed from the path that I should be walking, and I've received the nudge to correct it... I'm just not sure of which way to turn now. Help me?

-A