I'd like to ask for your help in sharing a message of communication. Can you get this out to the people who need it the most, and the people who don't really need it but that it can help anyway?
Apologies: They're not easy. It's difficult to admit that you've done wrong.
First, let's see how NOT to apologize.
"I'm sorry, but you..." Sure, at first glance this may seem like a perfectly acceptable apology. It is erroneous, however, in that rather than truly being repentant of your actions or the consequences, you're seeking to place the blame squarely upon the person you wronged in the first place. You may feel it is entirely their fault, but the word "but" doesn't belong in an apology.
"I'm sorry, but I..." Again, this looks perfectly acceptable. While you're not pinning the blame on anyone else, you're trying to provide rationalization for your behavior. Rationalization is good, and can be helpful in trying to explain to someone why you acted the way you did. It can help speed up understanding and even possibly help avoid the same issue in the future. It, however, has no place in the apology itself; it is more suited to the discussion following the apology.
Now, let's see a couple appropriate apologies.
"I'm sorry." Hey, look at that. A simple statement of fact, with no rationalization or blame. This short phrase (as any husband knows) can be quite powerful and effective at ending hostilities and setting the stage for a more communicative and beneficial discourse.
"I'm sorry. I feel bad for what I did and I'd like the chance to explain why I acted in that fashion." This, Gusby, is still a perfectly acceptable apology. The powerfully short statement of fact, an admission of wrong-doing, and a request for a more communicative and beneficial discourse, all rolled into one sweet phrase.
It is a definitive fact of life that communications get out of control, and sometimes hurtful things are said. No single person communicates perfectly with any other person. Even the most harmoniously married couples still have misunderstandings and occasions to clarify and, yes, apologize.
When you take responsibility for your actions ("I'm sorry that *I* lost my temper, that *I* yelled at you, and that *I* called you an asshole.") you're not giving up your side of the argument. You can still be pissed off that the person you yelled at called you a liar. You're not admitting that you were wrong in all ways, just that you were wrong in how you handled your side of it.
If we could all learn to accept that sometimes it is our *behavior* that is wrong, not necessarily our view of the situation, then perhaps we could all learn to calm down and discuss issues as adults.
And if you, Gusby, would pass this message along to anyone who would benefit from it, I'd greatly appreciate it.
Thanks!
-A
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