Fear

Gusby, I'm struggling with a distinct surplus of fear.

Many years ago, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would no longer make decisions out of fear.

"A life ruled by fear is no life at all."

A quote from a journal entry of mine, dated three and a half years ago.

I was working then, as I am now, to improve myself. I was taking journeys into my subconscious, to flesh out the reasons behind the paralytic fear that was gripping me. What I came up with is that the reason I ever did anything was because of fear.

Afraid that if I didn't do well, something bad would happen. It didn't matter what the objective was, just that the motivation to do it was fear. Everything was, "I will do this, because I am afraid that if I don't..." It got to the point where I ended up afraid to try, because failure might happen... and I was extremely afraid of failure.

While I still hold fast to the belief that things accomplished through healthy, loving motivation end up being more beneficial in the long term, I find myself still subjected to fear.

I want that to change. I do not want to be afraid, and I do not want to do things simply because I fear the alternative.

I am going to change that. I am going to put my trust in you, Gusby, and have faith that together we can break this cycle of fear. I will do the things I need and want to do, not because I hope to avoid the alternative, but because they are the right things to do. Because they will bring love and joy into my life, and help me share that love and joy with others.

For now, they will be baby steps, and I am sure that while I will make constant forward progress, I will also experience challenges and setbacks. I am also sure that everything I face will be surmountable and will teach me more about living a life without being afraid.

I refuse to let fear drag me through my life; I am in charge. I have the ability to shape my present and future in a way that I enjoy.