Fatherhood 2.0

Hey Gusby,

About 12 years ago, you decided in your ultimate wisdom to gift me with a child to raise, and for that, I thank you. I'd be lying if I said it has been easy, but I'd also be lying if I said it wasn't worth it.

Being a father has been the single-most rewarding thing I've ever done. Especially when my child asks me to do something that I have absolutely no idea how to do. It's moments like those when I realize that he thinks the world of me, that I'm his own personal Superman. I know it's not going to last forever, but with my beautiful wife carrying my second child, I can certainly extend the process.

And that's what this is really about, child 2.0.

Though words are feeble, and entirely incapable of accurately expressing my feelings on the matter, they are the only medium in which I feel qualified working. So here goes:

I am in love. In love with my charming and sexy wife, who expends as much effort on a daily basis as a professional weight-lifter, to grow this new little person. In love with the endless possibilities who this new person is and might become. In love with the situation that has developed to allow me to stay home with the latest Luopa addition.

In all of my years, nothing in my life has been as rewarding as what I am currently doing. The white-collar work, the blue-collar work, even the education I have (which I value quite highly)... None of it can compare to the feeling of complete rightness I experience every day now.

I still find it incredibly difficult to believe that I have again participated in the miracle of creating human life, even when I walk into what will be her room and see the little crib, and purple walls, hand-made quilt and books and toys. I know she's coming, but how is it possible that I had something to do with it?

With this child, things will be very different from the first time. I will be in her life in a major way, on a daily basis; able to play with her, teach her, grow with her. I will be there to laugh every time she falls down, before picking her up and surrounding her with warmth and safety. I will be there to see her first steps, hear her first words, see her reaction when she tastes a lemon for the first time. I will see her first tooth, and be there for her first haircut.

I am excited to perfect my pony-tail-making skills, to learn how to put hair in curlers (because apparently that's important), to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with the crusts cut off and made into smiley faces. I am eager to attend dance recitals, and gymnastics classes, and science fairs. I cannot wait to re-experience the world through the eyes of one of it's youngest participants, when a walk in the park becomes an introduction to something never previously seen.

Thank you, Gusby, for everything.

Fear

Gusby, I'm struggling with a distinct surplus of fear.

Many years ago, I made a promise to myself. I promised that I would no longer make decisions out of fear.

"A life ruled by fear is no life at all."

A quote from a journal entry of mine, dated three and a half years ago.

I was working then, as I am now, to improve myself. I was taking journeys into my subconscious, to flesh out the reasons behind the paralytic fear that was gripping me. What I came up with is that the reason I ever did anything was because of fear.

Afraid that if I didn't do well, something bad would happen. It didn't matter what the objective was, just that the motivation to do it was fear. Everything was, "I will do this, because I am afraid that if I don't..." It got to the point where I ended up afraid to try, because failure might happen... and I was extremely afraid of failure.

While I still hold fast to the belief that things accomplished through healthy, loving motivation end up being more beneficial in the long term, I find myself still subjected to fear.

I want that to change. I do not want to be afraid, and I do not want to do things simply because I fear the alternative.

I am going to change that. I am going to put my trust in you, Gusby, and have faith that together we can break this cycle of fear. I will do the things I need and want to do, not because I hope to avoid the alternative, but because they are the right things to do. Because they will bring love and joy into my life, and help me share that love and joy with others.

For now, they will be baby steps, and I am sure that while I will make constant forward progress, I will also experience challenges and setbacks. I am also sure that everything I face will be surmountable and will teach me more about living a life without being afraid.

I refuse to let fear drag me through my life; I am in charge. I have the ability to shape my present and future in a way that I enjoy.

Sleep? Yeah, I do that sometimes.

When I was 12 years old, I started sneaking out of my house at night. Not at 9 or 10, to go over to a friend's house, but around 2 or 3 am. What I did during those starlit adventures is the stuff of another blog. Not just another post, but an entirely new blog, not normally dedicated to my spiritual self.

For the last 17 years, I haven't managed what people would call a "normal" sleep schedule. At least not for more than a couple months at a time.

One week, I'll be up until 8am, and sleep until 4pm. The next week, I'll be in bed by 9m, and fresh by 7am. It usually travels in phases, and these phases usually last 3-4 weeks at a stretch.

The point of all of this is that while some may see this as a detriment, I have now seen and experienced things that "normal" never get to see.

Standing outside at 3:00am on a crisp January morning, the wind brisk as it nips your cheeks. The fog that rolls in with the breeze, soothing and muting the sounds of the suburban environment, making houses and cars appear as nothing more than ghosts of their former selves. Looking up at the branches of trees, where the moisture from the fog has collected in a beautiful crystalline lattice, sparkling in the light of the stars. The stars themselves, fading in and out of visibility as thicker patches of the thin cloud cover try to obscure the majesty of the heavens.

Or a pre-dawn morning in late July, when the sky is just beginning to turn the faintest shade of pink, splashed across the eastern horizon. The surrounding sky starts as that odd mix of light blue and steel gray, but as you crane your neck and start to move your vision to the west, it darkens and into the deepest shade of blue the human eye can make out, where the stars struggle mightily against the coming sun. The sound of crickets and cicadas, of birds beginning to sing, and yet it's still quiet enough that you imagine that if you knelt down, just a little bit, you could hear the worms and insects toiling away beneath the bright green grass, covered with dew.

An August afternoon in the Boundary Waters, where the song of the mosquitoes tries to lull you in for a nap. The bright sun, streaking through the few clouds brave enough to dare the warmth, to shimmer across the mirror-like stillness of the small lake that you're camped next to. The sound of an elusive lake trout breaking the surface for a bug, small ripples sliding closer. The fresh air, resounding with the minuscule and infinite sounds of a living, breathing forest, reminding you just how small you really are in the universe.

Some people claim my inability to remain "normal" is something that needs to be fixed. I say that you've missed out on some of Nature's most awe-inspiring moments by always sleeping at night.

Introducing an Impressionable Soul to Alternative Spirituality, Do I or Don't I?

By popular demand, here it is.

Dante doesn't have a specific religion. He attends a Catholic private school, has a non-spiritual mother, a Lutheran mother/great-grandfather/grandmother, a non-religious-but-highly-spiritual father/grandfather, a Catholic grandmother/great-grandmother/great-great-grandmother.

When he was a few months old, he was non-denominationally baptized by an ordained minister of a cult. When he was nine, he was Confirmed in a Catholic church, as part of his education. I think Confirmed is the right word, anyway... He takes communion now.

As far as I can tell, Dante is more Catholic than anything else, but he has been in a Catholic school for the last three years, where they have more religion than science classes.

The only thing that all of these beliefs have in common is that there is a God (a.k.a. Gusby).

My struggle is this: Do I introduce Dante to the specifics of my belief, even though they vary greatly from all of the beliefs that he's been taught up to this point?

He knows some of them, like that on the rare occasions I attend a Lutheran church service, I do not take communion. He knows that I have spirit guides, and power animals, and that I meditate and take shamanic journeys. He also knows that I channel energy through my hands, to help balance and restore the natural order and health (physical and spiritual) of whomever I'm practicing on.

He has never really asked me why I don't take communion, nor has he asked if he can have spirit guides or power animals, or what happens on a journey or during meditation. He seems fairly interested in Reiki, but seems unsure if he should ask or not.

Catholics, Lutherans, non-denominational cults... they all have rules for a "proper, Godly" lifestyle, and some of them are pretty hard to follow. My belief structure has one rule for a proper and Godly life: Do not intentionally harm. That's it.

It's similar to Christ's Golden Rule, but with subtle differences. According to the "Treat Others as You Wish to be Treated," I can be nice to people and still harm myself. Hell, I've done it before. Living according to my rule, I strive to make sure that every single one of my actions brings no harm to another or to myself. (Smoking really has to go, since poisoning myself is harmful, heh.)

If placed in a situation where I have to say something that hurts someone else, I strive to make sure that my words are coming from a higher place, a place of goodness and right. You may not like to hear that your actions are self-destructive and dangerous, and it may hurt you to know that I think you're making the wrong choices, and you may think that when I say these things, I'm breaking my own only rule. I disagree. Sometimes, we all need to hear things we don't like, in order to put aside our harmful ways and pick up the mantle of right action.

As the basis of a belief structure, I think I've got a solid cornerstone. After decades of soul-searching, study, experimentation and analyzing results, this rule, this cornerstone, feels right. And I've learned to trust my feelings.

"That's all well and good," you may be saying, "but what does this have to do with teaching Dante?"

Good question. Before you can weigh in with an opinion that is more likely to be listened to and taken seriously, you needed to know more about the decision, as well as what I'd be teaching him. A well-informed voter is more likely to elect the most beneficial person for the job.

Now, this may seem like an easy decision. I'd be teaching Dante, essentially, that I love. Unfortunately, it's a little more complicated than that. You see, all Bible-based organized religions are contradictory. Some more so than others, but all to a certain extent. In order to give Dante enough information to make his own well-informed decision, I would have to expose the contradictions of the Bible-based religions, as well as explain where and why I disagree with other teachings.

Believe it or not, this is not meant as a crusade to get Dante to stop going to church, or as a way to break him out of organized religion. My goal, the entire reason behind this struggle, is merely to educate my son, so that he understands he doesn't need to blindly believe everything he is taught.

There are other beliefs out there, some may be right for him and some may be wrong for him (just as they are right or wrong for all of us), but I want him to retain his open mindedness, rather than just swallow what he is spoon fed.

*** Spoiler alert: If you strongly believe in organized religion, I warn that you might be offended if you read further. ***

I do not want Dante to grow up as a sheep, as the vast majority of our society does. Blindly following a religion, just because it's easier to be told what to do and what to believe than it is to make the decision for yourself. The simple fact that your parents hold a specific belief does not require you to think the same way, to believe the same thing.

If you want children for the sole purpose that they would think exactly as you think, feel exactly as you feel, go buy a clone.

I wish for him the ability to analyze, rationally, his beliefs... and I wish for him the ability to set aside rationality, to just feel, to be, to live. Both are equally necessary. I feel that in this day of age, in this society and culture, too many people are choosing the extreme. Living a life based solely upon the rational and analyzable, or a life based purely upon emotion without the ability to use logic.

I wish for him to be a good person. To be caring, loving, friendly and happy. It is my belief that my spirituality will help him achieve that more quickly, easily and completely than any organized religion, with fewer pieces of guilty baggage hanging around.

And if he chooses to believe other than myself, I will stand beside him, supporting him through thick and thin, regardless of any troubles he might face.

So there you have it... my struggle.

Thoughts?

It's been a while...

Gusby, buddy, pal,

It's been a long time since I've felt like I had something worthwhile to say; something that you, and the friends and family who read this blog, would find interesting.

Then it dawned on me, I actually have quite a bit to say, and it doesn't matter who finds it valuable... if I want to say it, I should!

But in the interest of friends and family, I thought I'd put it to a vote. I have a few topics that I have more than a few words on, and I'd like to see who wants to read what first.

In no particular order, the topics of choice are:

Reiki and Me, A Study in Energy

Matters of the Heart, to Help by Being Absent (a story about Jasmine)

Happiness and the Pursuit Thereof (what defines my life?)

Introducing an Impressionable Soul to Alternative Spirituality, Do I or Don't I?

These are just a few of the issues which you, Gusby, can help me understand better through my own writing. And these are just a few of the issues which you, friends and family, can use to better understand me through my own writing.

So how about it, folks, any preferences as to what you'd like to read about first?

What does it mean to be happy?

Yo Gusby!

I was just outside, enjoying the brisk fall evening, watching the stars and thinking about my life. I thought to myself, "If someone asked me, right now, to describe my life in a single word, what would that word be?"

I replied, "Happy."

Which got me thinking... What does it mean to be happy?

For some, it's driving an expensive automobile. Others, living in a big house. Or making lots of money. That fancy new cell phone everyone either has or wants. But that's not what makes me happy.

I think that being happy means wearing rose-colored glasses. Now, I don't mean wearing blinders, to hide everything you don't want to see, but seeing things differently than you have in the past.

Life isn't just a series of upgrades and purchases... it's about achievements and accomplishments... those things in your life that you've done that you can take some pride in, because they were wholesome and valuable. Like watching your child playing with friends, then resolving the conflict of who gets to go across the monkey bars without yelling or pushing. Like knowing, really knowing deep down inside, that your mere existence brings joy to another.

Being happy isn't about things, it's about people... and staying happy means you need to learn to see things differently than our consumer culture programs us to see. You have to put on the rose-colored glasses.

That stressful situation that keeps you up at night; it's not a failure, it's an opportunity to learn another method of overcoming an obstacle.

Your partner has an annoying habit; it's not something to fight about, it's a part of the entirety that makes up the whole of the person you're choosing to be with.

When you walk the path of personal growth, there comes a point where you just accept. People are who they are. The bad people are building up karma, and the good people will walk with you. The trick is surrounding yourself with the good ones, the people who will stand by your side, regardless of the obstacles facing you, the ones who support you no matter what.

You know as well as I do that I'm thankful daily for the woman I've chosen to marry, that she above all others is by my side, walking and supporting. But there are many people in my life, and I can honestly say that the people that I've chosen to let in are good people.

So Gusby, let us turn for a minute, and address the people in my life.

If you are in my life, then know that I have seen you. I do not know everything there is to know about you, but I have looked into the core of your being, and I love it. For all of your faults, for all of your quirks, the crazy, the literal, the loving, the humor, the everything... I accept. And I am grateful that you have chosen to have me in your life.

That is what it means to be happy.

November 10th

Yo Gusby,

I think I'm done with the angry rants for a while. Thanks for letting me vent my frustrations, though. It's nice to have someone to talk to when I feel like people are out of control.

Today, I'd like to talk to you about November 10th.

When I graduated from Dunwoody in June, I spent some time sending out resumes left and right, 5-10 per day, for an entire month. It was nearly a full-time job, hunting for work, and I didn't get a single call or email about any applications. When I realized that no one wanted me as a welder, I gave up. I stopped hunting. I stopped applying. I fell into a trench of depression, complete with nearly overwhelming feelings of self-worth, and my lack thereof. I mean, here I was, another $24,000 in debt, with a professional talent that no one wanted.

Early October turned things around for me. I re-read some books I'd forgotten about, and I decided to open myself to change. I threw wide the doors of spiritual reception and listened carefully for the response. What I heard was astounding and astonishing.

I am not your typical American worker-bee. The 9-5 cube-monkey crunch that most Americans toil through, suffering daily for something as minor as a paycheck that isn't enough... that wasn't for me. I was told, and I'm still being told, that I need to follow a different path to financial security and contentment. I was also told that I needed to stop measuring my personal value with a paycheck. It doesn't matter if I make $15,000 a year or $1,500,000 a year, so long as I treat my loved ones with kindness, respect, and fairness. Our happiness is NOT dictated by how much money we make! I am not valued only for my financial contribution to my family, but also for my love, commitment, and all of my other contributions.

I can't buy my wife fancy new shoes, or a Coach purse, but I sure as hell can put a smile on her face when she comes home from a long day. And you know what? That's actually enough for me. The term "house husband" has been thrown around a bit, and rather than be put off by it, I feel it's a compliment. I met some housewives a few weeks ago, and they were strong women, who provided a true value to their families, who deserve respect for the effort they put into their lives.

But I digress (again), 17 days ago, I was reading a book on Mayan prophecy and their Tzolkin calendar, when I was struck (and struck hard) by a feeling, a sensation that November 10th was going to be the beginning of the end of my financial worries.

This feeling has stayed with me over the past two and a half weeks, and grown in strength. The more I thought about it, the more it just felt right. Conversations with my spiritual advisory team all seemed to support and confirm my feeling. In fact, my one of my spiritual advisers talked to one of her spiritual advisers, and he talked about me! This feeling, this energy surrounding me, is large enough to impact near-strangers... which only lends more credence to it!

When I realized that today, November 10th, was going to be such a big day for my financial trouble, I stopped even the half-hearted job-hunting that I had been doing. I've spent the last few weeks preparing and getting ready, and opening myself to whatever opportunity you decide to send my way, Gusby.

This morning, I awoke to a message that said, "I saw this position and thought of you. You're quite qualified for it, and it's at a company that you trust, morally and ethically." It's not the perfect position for me, but the feeling I've been having has never seemed like it was going to be a permanent (5+ years) solution for me. It has always come across as a temporary solution. And since I now know what I need to do, and how I can earn money while I work on what I need to do, I'm positive that things are turning around.

It's a good time in my life, Gusby, and I have you (and me) to thank for it.